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It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Not all heroes wear capes.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.