Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
You Might Also Like
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.