Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
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As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.