Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
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The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die