Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
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this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.