[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
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On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents