Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
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A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“Huge”.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie