every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
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Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
inventing words: clothing
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern