“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
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Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Fiction has to make sense.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.