My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
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When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
you will never know the true number of layers
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.