Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
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They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.