If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
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When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Gods work.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
i鈥檓 having this made into a welcome mat
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
The moon is in my awful neighbor鈥檚 backyard. Girl, he鈥檚 the worst. What are you doing?
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 馃槶
Sorry, I can鈥檛 be the bigger person. I鈥檓 the size of the average 4th grader.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Still cracks me up
I waitress because if I don鈥檛 get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don鈥檛 feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I don鈥檛 need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me