Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
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“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”