My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
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17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.