It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
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professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.