Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
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If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.