I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
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Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
is it earth
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”