“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
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I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I have a type: disappointing
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one