HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
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*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”