Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
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Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired