Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
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Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose