Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?