ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?