wish me luck lads
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I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
This is Sparta
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.