[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
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*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Sunday
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
new year update: losing everything but weight
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”