I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
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Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious