My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
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My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
See..?
.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok