Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?