If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
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Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
this is 10/10 content no notes
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.