All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
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Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Goodnight 🐶
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends