I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
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Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
No way!
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers