There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
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Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Mornin
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake