*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
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I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
If only
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?