This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
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this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Need WebMD
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!