Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
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Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
opening twitter today
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…