My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*