if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
You Might Also Like
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
*sewing*
A thread
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.