idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
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Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!