Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
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[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.