“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
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Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
smh
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Same post same
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*