I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
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Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
This was a bad idea all around
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
is this how new cars are made??
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪