flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
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me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.