I’m crying im so happy for them
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that