Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
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If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?