Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
water it, i dare you
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
The pen is writier than the sword.
Got ya covered
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.