I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
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Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.