“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
You Might Also Like
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu