Mornin
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I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is