When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
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I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I hate everything
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.