*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
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Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
<—- homeless romantic
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.